Glitterland (Spires) by Alexis Hall

Author:Alexis Hall [Hall, Alexis]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Sourcebooks
Published: 2023-01-16T18:30:00+00:00

16

Later

I woke in a panic, plastered to Darian’s velvet-warm back, one arm draped across him, the other crooked awkwardly under the pillow, completely numb. I scrambled into a sitting position and pulled my knees up to my chest, trying to calm my body’s anxieties and my mind’s chaos. But it was no use. My heart raced. My thoughts whirled.

Darian slept on.

At least until I prodded him awake.

“Darian. Darian.”

He rolled over, tousled and lovely, blinking dazedly in the half-light. “What’s wrong, babes?”

I stared at him, for a moment utterly speechless at the magnitude of everything. “I’m going to make you so unhappy,” I blurted out.

“What? When? Can’t you like do it in the morning?”

“See,” I said, somewhat hysterically. “I’ve already started. I’m waking you up in the middle of the night.”

“S’okay,” he mumbled, also sitting up. “I ’aven’t got nuffin planned for tomorrow. Next shoot is next week, I fink.”

“I can’t do this.” I wrapped my arms tightly around my knees and huddled at the top of the bed. “I can’t be with someone. I ruin everything.”

“But I like being wif you, babes. You’re not gonna ruin nuffin.”

“You don’t understand.” He touched my arm and I shook him off. “I know Stephen Fry has you up to speed, but I’m not charmingly quirky. I’m clinically insane. I’ve been in hospital. Involuntarily. Because I was too nuts to know I was nuts.”

“We’ve all got flaws, babes.”

I glared at him. “You’re not taking me seriously.”

“Well, you just said you was mental.”

“Darian.”

“Babes.”

He wasn’t getting it. I was a muddle of longing, frustration, and pain, my mind scattering like seabirds. “I’m not a fucking plural,” I snapped.

“What?”

I pointed at myself. “Item: one babe.”

“Ahwight,” he said. “Mister A.A. Winters, Esquire.”

I folded my hands across the tops of my knees and pressed my face into them. “Please don’t laugh at me.”

“No,” he said, so gently it made me want to weep.

“You see,” I mumbled. “This is what I’m like. Niall was right about me; everything he said was true. You’ll end up hating me like he does. I don’t want to do that to you.”

“So, you don’t ’ave to.”

“I might not have a choice. And if you say we always have a choice, I’ll kill you with a pillow.”

There was a long silence. I sensed, rather than saw, Darian moving in the gloom. His smooth, naked shoulder brushed lightly against mine, sending a flare of response through the twisted labyrinth of my scars. I flinched. He kept making me feel things in ruined places.

“Look,” he whispered. “I’m not clever like you, but I fink it’s going to be ahwight. I’m wif you because I like being wif you and that’s…y’know…ahwight. And when it ain’t ahwight…then I won’t be wif you. I’m not gonna let you treat me bad, babes.”

“Oh great, so you’re just going to walk out on the mentally ill guy when the going gets tough?”

“Babes, I’m confused. Are you sad cos you fink I’m going to be wif you or sad because you fink I’m not?”

“I don’t know.

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